Artist’s depiction of the Pulp Revolution TRIUMPHANTLY STANDING ATOP THE MANGLED CORPSES OF ITS FOES.

I have had a vision of the future. A dark vision. A chilling vision. A vision sent BACK THROUGH TIME from myself, a few years hence.

A vision of the time WHEN THE PULP REVOLUTION RULES THE EARTH!

I am shaken. I am shuddering. I am shocked.

Allow me a moment or two to regain my composure.

In the grim darkness of the near-flung future, there is only Pulpy Awesomeness. The iron thewed, and scantily clad, vanguard of the Pulp Revolution stormed the doors of New York publishing houses, casting down the triple idols of Diversity, Perversity, and Realism, and raising in their stead the banner of PULPY AWSOMEOSITY.

It was GRIM. It was BRUTAL. (Will have been GRIM. Will have been BRUTAL.)

Now, I confess that when people spoke up, warning us that the Pulp Revolution was on the verge of taking COMPLETE AND UTTER CONTROL of publishing, and establishing a rule as cruel and censorious as that of the Silver and Clay Agers, I laughed. Oh, how I laughed.

“How is that even possible? For hell’s sakes, we’re a bunch of fans and writers sharing old stories and loving the hell out of them. Even if we wanted to, we couldn’t seize every single editorship in New York publishing, not to mention Amazon and Indie publishing, not to mention Livejournal, Facebook, and a million other websites. It’s physically impossible.”

MORE THE FOOL I! How did I not see that, as inevitably as an apple falling from a tree, the Pulp Revolution would seize the means of fiction production and force every writer to pen only tales of thrilling adventure, stirring desire, and awe inspiring heroics? HOW DID I NOT SEE?! And the things I said…

“Look, none of us want to forcibly eradicate all other forms of fiction, the way the Silver and Clay Agers have already tried. All of us are fans of some (or many) non-Pulp authors—even if the Pulp authors are far more awesomeacious—and frankly we could care less what bloodless and abstract intellectualisms Blue SF obsesses over, or what turgid and boring tracts Pink SF passes around at their group therapy encounter sessions. People should write what they want. And what we want are awesome tales of RED F&SF.”

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! How did I not see the obvious truth in front of my face—that the Pulp Revolution would inevitably sweep away all other forms of fiction, and establish THE EMPIRE OF PULP AWESOMENESS.

I was warned. I only had to listen. This is the future I chose.

Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

Jasyn Jones, better known as Daddy Warpig, is a host on the Geek Gab podcast, a regular on the Superversive SF livestreams, and blogs at Daddy Warpig’s House of Geekery. Check him out on Twitter.